How to raise a devious individual, volume I

Step #1: Have hardwood floors.

Hardwood floors are an excellent deterrent towards casual deviousness. But the extraordinarily devious will view it as a challenge, a foe to be bested. All floors have foundations, do they not? It follows, logically then, that this point is less likely to creak.

Step #2: Set ridiculously early bedtimes.

Ahh, it all comes together. When I lived under their roof, they went to bed at 10 o’clock, and so did everyone else who lived within. It was not long before this became intolerable. All the good TV was on after ten, I had this from a source whose credentials were unimpeachable.

I had a problem however. My sister was merely casually devious. She would just jump out of bed and tromp over to the TV, and her friends would call her on the houses phone line (pre-cellular age). Seldom did her outings succeed.
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So, often I would have to wait about a half an hour for my sister to try to sneak out and get caught. Once that had occurred, I was good to go. Unlike my sister, I realized that the art of sneaking out was a dance.

I had done research. I had performed thorough investigations. I wonder what my parents thought I was doing as I walked around the hallways with a note pad. “Honey, don’t walk up and down the stairs while trying to write something down in the notebook, it’s dangerous. And stop calling Rommel a magnificent bastard. Whose book did you read?”

I had a way to roll out of bed without making the mattress springs creak. Wearing socks, I could walk silently on the hardwood, provided I hit my marks.

Once I got to the kitchen, I was golden. Turn the TV on and lower the brightness, volume at a minimum. You won’t be caught for hours.

I have a map of the hard wood floor, and its pressure points emblazoned on my mind still. When I visit my folks, every once in a while I walk the path again, just to see if I still got it.