Spooky action at a distance

Everyone gets older, and circumstances change for us all. Sometimes this means that people move a few thousand miles away to achieve X, Y, or Z. Such is the case with my friend Jim.

In high school we were in the same group of friends, friends who happened to be potheads. We both partook, but I think Jim and I were the responsible ones in our group…Relatively speaking. For this reason, we got along just fine. I don’t think that I had realized the many other ways in which we were similar until yesterday.

Obviously, I’m a comedy minded kind of guy. Jim isn’t as such, but that’s not to say that he doesn’t know how to differentiate the funny from the non-funny. While I was over on the east side this past week, he asked me how I go about writing a bit, and I gave him my take. He decided to take a crack at it with me. We came up with a list of topics, and then selected two potential winners. One was a one joke pony, and was pretty funny. But the real test came with the second bit, which needed lots of jokes. Upwards of forty distinct gags. Damned if we didn’t bang that thing out in about 2 hours. I don’t want to post the whole thing, because it’s just too good. I don’t want anyone to see it until it is actually produced. I will give you the topic though.

“Television is ruining our relationship. And not that you watch too much of it, just that you are constantly role playing it.”

The bit just assembled itself as pretty as you please. We both came up with a ton of jokes, and vetoed jokes which, while funny, where not on point. Jim showed a real knack for funny production I was not aware he possessed before.



You think you know a person...

On Baptisms, Liquor, and Virginia.

The baptism was a rousing success. My goddaughter has been certified by the Catholic church as to being adorable, amongst other things. 8 months old, getting ready to crawl, and to start saying dada, and mama. As if you needed any further evidence, at one point, I looked at her and said "Baby, who's the tops in my book?" And then she kinda...fell over. But it was very cute how she did it. It's really all in the execution.

Fun fact. Did you know that stores close over here? It's true! And it's so far held true everywhere I've been in the mid-west and east coast. And I dare you, I dare you, to try and find a liquor store. There are stores that sell liquor, amongst other things. But I mean a place that sells smokes, booze, and maybe some chips and other basic staples. In California, specifically the bay area, You can hardly swing a dead cat without finding a liquor store. I simply find it striking.

Also I figured out what the device does in the happytown/angryville sketch. It makes Black lights normal lights, and it makes happy kittens sad kittens. I should probably repost v2.0, as a number of items have been changed/polished.

Tradition? or Fealty? Choose one.

March 17th, Saint Patrick’s day, falls on a Friday during lent. Now, foodwise, I have but two traditions. Pork-chops and Sauerkraut on January 1st (some squarehead good luck charm), and Corned beef and cabbage on St Patties.

Now, the local archdiocese has given a special dispensation to allow eating meat on the 17th, provided you choose another day in the week to abstain. Problem solved right?

Wrong. Though I am a catholic, my mother raised me protestant, in that I don’t care much for the political structure of the church. So what if the bureaucracy says it’s ok? The big man said “Hell no!” So I suppose I will have to take a special dispensation, and get my corned beef on Thursday.

Further comments on Catholicism

This Sunday, I’m going to be a Godfather. My homey Jim elected to honor me as such. I have a godfather, and to be honest, I haven’t seen him very often. So I don’t know what my domain is.

I’ve technically been an uncle since I was 2 (papa was a rolling stone. An older rolling stone.) However, only in the last few years have I had a chance to be the “Fun uncle”. Teaching the kid tricks, how to snap your fingers, whistle, skip rocks, make a paper airplane, you know…passing on the delinquent’s handbook. I get the feeling that a Godfather has to be a different type of cat. Obviously I know the major responsibilities, but Jim and his wife want me to have a more active role in Farah’s life then my Godfather had in mine. What’s the proper tact to take?

The greatest lie ever told.

I don’t lie anymore. I have found that it is better to be honest, even to one’s own detriment. People appreciate an honest assessment of things.

That said, this blanket ban didn’t always exist. And I was a fantastic liar in the day. I could look my father in the eye, and fire one off, and get away with it. I’m not proud of that, but it is fact. I was damned good at it.

There is one lie I’ve told, of which I am proud. Allow me to set the scene. I’m 13 or 14, about 6’2, and on a vacation with my folks up in the heavily forested mountains, bored out of my mind, in 80 degree temperatures at night. 10 o’clock, a couple of yokels have a burning pile of leaves about as tall as myself, and the sparks are reaching up to the trees.

Me: “Hey Liz, those tards are going to start a wildfire with that thing.”
My Sister: “They probably know what they’re doing”
Me: “Like hell they do, they’re this close to setting that pine tree on fire. Give me a sec.”
I return with my jacket and hat on.
Me: “I’ll be right back.”

I light a smoke, and walk over to the two yokels.

Me: “Hey fellas, beautiful weather eh?”
Yokel #1: “Right.”
Me: “So, that pile of leaves…that’s awfully tall there fellas.”
Yokel #1: “Well, we’ve got the garden hose right here.”
Me: “Yeah, see here’s the problem. That garden hose might put out the pile of leaves, but it’s not going to do shit if a spark lights that pine over there on fire. Do you have any idea how hot that fire is? Or the height the updraft will lift a cinder coming off of this burn? 500 hundred degrees, and 40 feet I’d bet.”
Yokel #2: “Well, it’s legal for us to…”
Me: “Yeah, it’s legal to burn your leaves in an enclosed metal bin, provided you have a clearance of 20 feet. Which you don’t. You don’t have the bin, and you don’t have the clearance. Now, I’m just SFFD, I don’t have jurisdiction up here, but I’m of a mind to call the volunteer fire department if you don’t tame that burn. I know you have to get rid of excess leaves and needles, but be smart, is all I’m saying.”
Yokel #1: “Alright, we’ll cut it down.”
Me: “Thanks…enjoy the weather.”

Damn it felt good to be a gangster. Let’s count the lies. I didn’t know the temperature. I didn’t know anything about the updraft. I was not a member of the SFFD. I didn’t know what the regulations were up there. A 14 year old tells a couple of thirty year olds 4 lies, and they swallow it, and do what I say.

The main reason I am proud of that moment though, is that I used my lying prowess for good, rather than evil.