The greatest lie ever told.

I don’t lie anymore. I have found that it is better to be honest, even to one’s own detriment. People appreciate an honest assessment of things.

That said, this blanket ban didn’t always exist. And I was a fantastic liar in the day. I could look my father in the eye, and fire one off, and get away with it. I’m not proud of that, but it is fact. I was damned good at it.

There is one lie I’ve told, of which I am proud. Allow me to set the scene. I’m 13 or 14, about 6’2, and on a vacation with my folks up in the heavily forested mountains, bored out of my mind, in 80 degree temperatures at night. 10 o’clock, a couple of yokels have a burning pile of leaves about as tall as myself, and the sparks are reaching up to the trees.

Me: “Hey Liz, those tards are going to start a wildfire with that thing.”
My Sister: “They probably know what they’re doing”
Me: “Like hell they do, they’re this close to setting that pine tree on fire. Give me a sec.”
I return with my jacket and hat on.
Me: “I’ll be right back.”

I light a smoke, and walk over to the two yokels.

Me: “Hey fellas, beautiful weather eh?”
Yokel #1: “Right.”
Me: “So, that pile of leaves…that’s awfully tall there fellas.”
Yokel #1: “Well, we’ve got the garden hose right here.”
Me: “Yeah, see here’s the problem. That garden hose might put out the pile of leaves, but it’s not going to do shit if a spark lights that pine over there on fire. Do you have any idea how hot that fire is? Or the height the updraft will lift a cinder coming off of this burn? 500 hundred degrees, and 40 feet I’d bet.”
Yokel #2: “Well, it’s legal for us to…”
Me: “Yeah, it’s legal to burn your leaves in an enclosed metal bin, provided you have a clearance of 20 feet. Which you don’t. You don’t have the bin, and you don’t have the clearance. Now, I’m just SFFD, I don’t have jurisdiction up here, but I’m of a mind to call the volunteer fire department if you don’t tame that burn. I know you have to get rid of excess leaves and needles, but be smart, is all I’m saying.”
Yokel #1: “Alright, we’ll cut it down.”
Me: “Thanks…enjoy the weather.”

Damn it felt good to be a gangster. Let’s count the lies. I didn’t know the temperature. I didn’t know anything about the updraft. I was not a member of the SFFD. I didn’t know what the regulations were up there. A 14 year old tells a couple of thirty year olds 4 lies, and they swallow it, and do what I say.

The main reason I am proud of that moment though, is that I used my lying prowess for good, rather than evil.